Four Years Later

I’m not sure where to start. Most of you have been on this wild, crazy journey with me for years. I’ve gone from writing on Squarespace back to WordPress to save money (sacrifice). But it’ll all be okay in the end.

As I look back on my earlier blog posts from four years ago, I’m amazed. So much I don’t remember (malnourished brain) and I honestly can’t believe the girl in those posts is me. Was me. Not sure what term to use there. While much has changed in four years, I feel like a lot hasn’t.

No, I’m no longer underweight. I’ve been maintaining a higher weight for nearly a year now (shook). I’m no longer afraid of food or counting every single calorie. My scale is still safely tucked away behind a filing cabinet in my therapist’s office. My waking moments are not dictated by my eating disorder anymore.

However, I am still struggling with restriction in moments of extreme stress or anxiety. I still struggle with self harm at times. Depression and anxiety are still there. And dealing with my borderline personality disorder is always a constant. There are days I feel I have made great progress and days I feel utterly defeated.

Lately, I’ve been a mess. Depression and anxiety resting their heads. My BPD and all that comes with it has been extreme. Black and while, all or nothing thinking has prevailed. Cliche, but the whole “I hate you/please love me” thing has happened a lot lately. The lines are blurred between me, my mental illness, and the enemy. Everything seems so blurred. I’m confused about everything. Can’t grip anything or find my footing. I feel more lost than ever.

Over the summer, I made an important life decision: I gave my life to Christ. Getting to that moment hasn’t been easy and the months since haven’t been a cakewalk. My faith is important to me and believe me when I say I feel like I’ve failed Christ in every single area of my life.

I feel like my best isn’t good enough. The enemy has such a grip on my life right now. Spiritual warfare is real and I’m feeling it full force these days.

Plunging headfirst into darkness. Spiraling. Hurting. Aching. Pushing everyone away. Rage. Nothing is making sense. I feel so lost.

The one good thing from this week was my therapy session. I was open and honest. I actually let him help me and learned a lot in the process. It was hard. I’d rather avoid things than talk about them or deal with them. But I can’t do that anymore. It’s costing me too much.

In the midst of my despair, I still want to use my voice. People can’t help if they don’t know. Below I will link to a few posts that I think will help others understand. Also, I am an open book. Seriously. Feel free to get a hold of me and ask. It’s how we learn.

In the meantime, keep me in prayer. If you want to know how to specifically pray for me/be an ally/friend…all you have to do is ask.

What Is BPD?

BPD Experience

Splitting

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